In Britain, the traditional of home is that it is a private space that is shared with family. Within these traditional ideas it would seem impossible for a house share (where a person is living with friends or perhaps even strangers) to be seen as a home. For example:
- Home is private, but house shares can blur the line between public and private space
A person living in a house share may be living with people they do not know well (or at all), meaning they may not feel comfortable or able to completely relax and be themself where they are living.
- Home is a space you control, but it is impossible to have total control over your living environment in a house share
When you live in a house share you cannot control what your housemates do in shared areas, how messy they are, or who they invite over. There is also no guarantee you will be able to use shared rooms, such as the bathroom or kitchen, when you want.
- Home implies permanence, but house shares are often temporary and transient
Many house sharers experience a lack of stability in their housing due to short-term rental contracts. However, even if someone is able to stay in the same house share for a long period, it is highly likely that who they are living with will change – someone will decide to move out and a new housemate will move in. Various people I have interviewed about their experiences of sharing have spoken about how people tend to “come and go” in house shares.
- Home is a refuge and a place of safety, but living with housemates (especially strangers) comes with risks
It can be very difficult to know what a potential house share or housemate will be like before you move in. This introduces risk and, in the worst cases, can lead to someone unwittingly moving in with a housemate whose behaviour is inappropriate or frightening. I have interviewed participants who have been sexually harassed, bullied, intimidated, or had things stolen by former housemates.
However, despite this, house shares can become homes. In my research, I have interviewed quite a few people who have felt at home in at least one house share they have lived in. For example, one participant, Bob*, said:
“I’ve ended up in a place that’s good, that is a home and is friendly and I am happy here. And, you know, if I get down, my flatmates will come and knock on the door and ask if I’m alright. (…) I have a community here.”
If a house share can become a home, this suggests we need to question the traditional association of family and home. Perhaps we need to change how we think about home or about family. Indeed, what do we actually mean by family? What makes a family?
This seems like a simple question, but many definitions of family that we might think of can exclude people or situations that we would want to include. For example, any definition of family based solely on blood relationships would exclude adoption and also married couples. Adoption and marriage are of course legal bonds; however, defining family based on legal bonds would exclude, for example, cohabiting couples.
Family of choice is a term I have heard used to describe people who are not related to each other but who care for and support each other. In my research, I have found that, in some house shares, housemates can form families of choice. For example, one participant, Hannah*, said of her housemates:
“They are my family and they’ve become really important people to me. I see them every day and we eat together, we cook meals together, we shop together.”
The house shares where interview participants have described feeling at home were the house shares where they had experienced a strong sense of community, of family even, where housemates provided an important source of support to each other.
Feeling safe, comfortable, and supported by those you live with does therefore seem to be important for feeling at home. We are often told that these feelings can best be found within the nuclear family; however, they can be found elsewhere – and indeed are not found within some families.
There are in fact a number of ways in which nuclear family homes often do not meet the ideal standards or the traditional ideas of home. For example:
- We can never really have total control over our homes
If you are living with family, you are still sharing space with people and compromise will be needed. Unexpected things still happen, and you will probably still have to wait for the bathroom sometimes. Also, I would argue that, whoever we live with, we never really control our houses – things break, uninvited guests (spiders, mice, other creepy crawlies) find their way in, and dust is only ever temporarily banished.
- Living with family rarely means you will live in one place permanently
Many families are today living in privately rented accommodation, meaning they experience the same insecurity and short-term contracts as house sharers. However, even among homeowners, it is not uncommon for families to choose to (or to need to) sell their house and move. (Indeed, the idea of moving onwards and upwards is inherent in the phrase the ‘housing ladder’.) Also, the composition of family households may undergo many changes over time (whether due to new additions, kids growing up and moving out, divorce, new partners, step-families…)
- Some family homes do not provide a safe environment
Domestic violence and abuse mean that, far from being a refuge or place of safety, some family homes are very dangerous places.
Being able to feel at home is important for well-being. However, there is no need to tie home to family. Houses that are shared by people who are not related by blood or legal bond can become homes, and family homes often do not match what we think of when we imagine home.
The idealised image of the nuclear family home does not tell us the whole story or represent the only way that one can be a family or create a home.
*Pseudonyms have been used for all participants.
This post is based on a talk I originally gave at the Housing Studies Association 2021 annual conference. If you are interested in housing research or policy, do check out the HSA website: www.housing-studies-association.org